I am incredibly alone. No really, when I say that, I mean it. I wake up every single day to zero text messages and zero phone calls. I check my Instagram account to see that yet again, no one had left me any message asking of my well-being, nor have I been tagged in one of those “tag three friends” posts.
Sometimes I can’t even understand how I ended up in this hole. I keep hearing my doctor over and over in my head saying, “You have PTSD” and all I can hear is, ‘You’re just another fuckup.’
I think I’ve really become everything you wanted me to be. I’ve become aggressive, I’ve become rude, I’ve become possessive, I’ve become ugly. And when I say ugly I mean internally and to the point that Im not ever aware of how I wear that ugliness on my face, on my skin, and in my tone.
I really remember word for word all of the posts where you said nothing but horrific things about me, and how you wished I was in hell. And guess what:
I’m there and Im walking around on earth giving everyone nothing but hell. nothing but stress, nothing but sorrow, everything but the person I was becoming.
I have zero friends, and I can’t even think about attempting friendship because of the reaction I hear from you ringing through my mind about everyone who has been in my life previously.
I am living on just one last hair strand of hope, praying Ill meet someone strong enough to understand all the shit I had to live through. Praying I meet someone who won’t see me for my diagnoses but have the soul to see me for who I am trying to become. Yet I am continuously turned down, treated like shit, and kept hidden away from the world in which I try to be proactive in.
And I have no idea when this karma will end. I have no idea when I’ll wake up to someone sending me a message that they thought of me, I have no idea if I’ll meet a man that will ask me to marry him, or ask me to have his child.
I have no idea, and I am on my last string of hope.
So congrats. You won.
everything you ever wanted for me, came true.