You see sometimes the lack of love, or the lust that we believe love to be, is so powerful that it truly takes over the control of an individual. You see it in the acts of rage that are highlighted in the news, you see it in the person who can’t control the bouts of insults they spew, and you see it in the person sitting lonely at a table as if everything is simply fine.
When did this lack of emotion translate into becoming a more aggressive person when it comes to control? When did it turn into hate? When did it turn into revenge? When did it turn into libel? When did it need to cross the lines of humanity and turn into assault?
If you could answer me, what is it that makes you turn into a completely different person as soon as you begin lacking what you crave?
‘Those who truly love you won’t hurt you; Allow your children to say the word No to authority figures; And trust that regardless of what your past held, it will never define your future.’
For the majority of 2017, I have been disconnected from most social media, aside from Instagram. There is a feeling of control I get, knowing that I am able to detach so easily from the world around me, and sink into a place where no one knows I exist.
Control. I yearn for it.
You see, it can be taken away so easily in just a moments notice. As a man enters a head on collision, he suffers injuries including a severed spinal cord. The control to walk is taken away as quickly as the eye blinks.
That light bulb went out and I can still feel the fear in my heart. I still feel the tears begin to form and I swear, I’ve never felt more afraid of the world that surrounds me in my life. ‘Teach your children that it is safe to say NO to authority figures.” How invaluable that message was to me as it rang through my ears nearly a year and a half later.
I contemplated suicide for months and months on end. So much so that I gave my gun back in exchange for a ring that I can’t even look at. There was too much power in my life for a moment. So much so that I wanted to take my life, right here in my room with the lights out just as it happened, gun in mouth, nothing but noise to hide the silence.
I can’t understand how I was so stressed out that my body was having seizures to let me know. What is that? I was literally a nervous wreck. My body was telling me to take a look at my life and for years I never listened. I gave away that power.
Power, Sign here.
Sacrifice your health, sacrifice your life, sacrifice yourself, sacrifice those you care for to obtain what is dangerously known as, Power. The ability to casually accept that you have crossed lines between humans. Power. The full ability to wipe a conscious clean and begin anew the next day after a night of relaxing rest when you have intentionally collapsed someone else’s world.
As I listen on, I know that in my soul, I have finally given the power of what you held over me away, and have given myself the ability to regain what I deserve again, full control.