eyes in the mirror – 1

“You will have a mandatory paper due in which; You will write a reflection of yourself of a moment that forever changed you.” I began to feel a light headache form as I started searching through all memories I held close within me.

As I walked to my next class, I gazed at the concrete below me, watching out for the ants that briskly trotted by, stepping over the old mashed gum that were now black, rather than their original colors of vivid pink’s or bright green’s.
Walking along I thought;

Could I, perhaps should I write about memories of my fatherless childhood; And how I felt how I continued to question people to this day?

Or maybe my grandfather’s prosthetic hook-shaped hand. And how I felt defensive towards passerby’s who would glare in confusion toward the man whom I loved? Now when a passerby glare’s toward me, I glare back!

My teenage years were no better, so I searched endlessly for a memory and how I endlessly tried to help my best friend with her addiction. Clothing, food, shelter, and money led me to learn that I could not help someone who could not want to say yes to wanting to change a pattern they held within themselves. Was that what made me want to buy affection of others? Go the extra 5 miles at work? Fight for my life in a hospital setting? Have the car of my dreams at an early age? I fought for her and she said no, so I fought for everything else instead.

I sat in class and it hit me.

January 20, 2014.

Here we are back again on the night that I lost all sense of who I was and my body lost most of it’s right side senses.

—–Diagnoses;

-Level 4 Stroke,

-Intracranial Hemorrhage, left frontoparietal lobe.

-Measures 3 x 3 x 2.5 cm diameter with surrounding  vasogenic edema

-Arteriovenous Malformation

-Hemisensory Loss

 

I opened my notebook to a blank page to ease my mind, just to feel as if I was doing something. I moved my head and placed my cheek in my hand and knew in my mind with assurance :

‘To learn, I will step back.’

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