hurt

Man, woman, human, whatever, whomever. I felt like I was staring at a brick wall when I sat there and I heard those words saying
‘It is ok to feel like you should forgive’ Yeah I knew that why am I sitting here to have you reassure me when I am assured in myself? Forgiveness is fine. but no, I wasn’t having that. – I was affected by it. I was bothered by what you did, and for a licensed whatever who studied in a field outside of what they now practice in to tell me that “forgiveness is a gift and your feelings are ok and you are entitled to how you feel” is bullshit to me. and why? because you never did that ‘man up’ maneuver that men are always so proud to boast and you never did what you always encouraged me to do, which was accept my wrongs. face my fears and eat the shit that I left behind and when I had to try to clean up that shit one day, you were claiming that you never left any shit behind. I’m still scratching my head at the fact why this all had to happen. Why I have to face you and why you wear a smirk that says, “I aint do nothing wrong to you.” when you did the worst thing a human being could do to another human being. You crossed the line.

I gotta wonder how it feels to be a man sometimes. How it feels for you to lose your pride, or let your guard down or for everyone to see the mistakes you’ve made. What happens when people see your name on the news for something other than a petty crime? For something other than these crimes that the new era make out to be the new macho like drug possession, grand theft or money laundering? I gotta wonder what it would be like for you if things went different for the both of us that week. I’ve always thought through my what if’s. What if I hadn’t had a person around me with such an open mind to encourage me to forgive you? What if you hadn’t even thought about what you were doing? What if you just jumped on your emotions? What if I followed through and your life changed completely? What if the man everyone knew revealed himself in the weeks after in the news to be this person who acted on emotion?.. Showing himself in an orange jumpsuit, losing his job, his son, his life, could he lose his world? These ‘what if’s’ float behind the very door that you passed behind that night. When all I asked for was an apology, all I truly received was pushback. When all I really needed was an open mind, all I received was harsh criticism. So I have to wonder what it feels like to be you sometimes. I wonder what it feels like to be you and have an invisible box full of secrets that you can’t share. I wonder if it hurts you to go from woman to woman and not be able to be completely honest about the past you just went through. A man has to be strong emotionally, physically, internally, externally. A man has to build a house, and have enough strength so his wife can feel safe collapsing in him. A man raises his family and see the tears of his children fall while teaching them the morals of how emotion and humility are beautiful and appreciated by the kindest. — How does a man do that? How do you see the tears of fear fall from my eyes one night and the next night, see the tears of sadness fall from the child that came from your seeds eyes and continue to be sane in your life? I couldn’t explain it but I gotta wonder how you became to be such an amazing role model. I gotta wonder how I came to forgive you. I gotta wonder why I continue to hold on. I gotta wonder what it is that kept me from cutting that final string but, I’ve read books, and not new school books, but James Allen, I wonder why I forgave so hard.

 

My glass is half full and I go round and round and round with this. You wonder about me and I can’t explain this all to you and if I did it wouldn’t ever even be the right words. You don’t understand this because we have different types of control. When I want something, I fight for it. I never let it go until its fighting to let go of me. It’s just the way it always had been. This is why I never died. I’m gonna have to go seek out death to die, because natural death isn’t the way for me. Cancer, Stroke, Epilepsy. I’m too calm for this.
I thought about us for a long time before this was coming and I thought about it in the way that my grandparents were. My grandpa was a rambling man. My mom told me stories about how she believes theres stepsisters that she has out wherever, but. My grandma never left. Because thats what you did when you had love for a man that deep. My mom told me how my grandpa stole my grandma and took her on his horse and off they went. Thats like, romance. Like, 60s western movies. My grandma cries when she talks about my grandpa, out of love. Im a fool but I cry when I think about you and how Im messing things up. I think about how you can’t take everything, not just the way I leave. But when I leave I go to clear my head. and when I clear my head, I drink. thats it I drink. it’s always half full. I’m never half empty. You hate the hospitals. I remind you of all the shit you hate and I give you anxiety. You love to travel but when were there it’s like you’re in another place.
No one but me likes being in a hospital room, and why? because I’m the only person who actually believes with everything I have that I’m actually getting out of one alive. I’m always going in chronically ill. I’m a masterpiece, Doctors don’t ever know why I’m getting out, but it’s GODS WORK. I’m sorry. I can’t even tell you how sorry I am. or was. I like to live. I feel like we have one life, and we do. a truck could come and take me out tomorrow because it isn’t gonna be a stroke for me ill just fight through it, HA.
I do love you, I do care for you, I do want to see you grow, flourish, continue to conquer things that you thought you never would. Ill always root for you. I will.

I don’t know anything about you. We don’t have anything in common. We used to wear t-shirts and jeans until we moved on to satin shirts and labels like MK, CK, Polo and pressed button downs. I used to roll up your sleeves and you used to put my jewelry on when I would wear it but it was honestly never something I stuck with. I don’t know anything about you except that your favorite color was black and you came to a carmeet that I invited you to because you wanted to impress me. I think that we liked to not have our phones out at dinner, we enjoyed the company of each other. I want to say that we would sit at a bar-top, where our drinks were immediately brought out to us… And speaking of brought and bought, those were the two words you always corrected me on. I fell in love with your crow’s feet and the wrinkles that would form in bottom’s of your eyes when you would smile. The lighting was the best in a restaurant that we would go to but I can’t remember the name. We went every week, but thats where you told me, “I love how were the only couple who pays attention to each other.” I don’t really remember the details but one christmas I unwrapped a lightbulb box, I played along and inside that box was my gold Tiffany Ring. I fought for two years to get that ring back from you after we separated. I don’t really remember much about us, but I remember when your son dropped his turkey leg at a car show and I said he had 10 seconds to pick it up off the ground and it eat, i.e., 10 second rule.. He was so young that he was still short. Now he’s tall. Taller than me probably. I very slightly remember taking the candid photo of you two reading a book together, and also how you two were laying under your truck together, working side by side. I faintly remember your Father Son Moments. From what I can remember, when we met, you said you name was, actually I can’t even remember now. But you smiled this huge smile at me, and you said you were listening and the way we met was completely wrong, and it was actually immoral. And to think of it, is wasn’t the way we met that was grounds for us to have people to judge, and it wasn’t the situations that occurred that entitle anyones opinions on how we ended.. but the way we connected that night and how I, how we, can actually remember the story so vividly. How it is a story I can tell over and over again as if it happened yesterday. Your smile, your gestures, your voice,

But had we ever actually made it, it would’ve made for an amazing story to tell my grandchildren. Just because of that one liner.

“Your grandpa walked up to your grandma and said with his big huge smile and his teeth showing and said to me, “I’m listening!!”

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