melting time

There is an understood silence from the people who walk past each other in the late evenings in the park. Think about it, if you were alone in the parks at 10pm, would you actually want to be bothered? Or have a conversation initiated? I feel for everyone dressed casually, as I am who has been out late evening because you never know what it is to be in someone else’s shoes.

I am night shooter. You typically won’t find me with my Canon Rebel in the daytime anymore unless there is something special going on. I love chasing lights, even though it will sometimes, rarely, affect me and my epilepsy. Don’t tell my Doctor that though, ha. I picked up the habit, to one, improve the quality of photos and two, help take my mind off of a lot. If it wasn’t for the encouragement of a friend to get an SLR camera, I don’t think I would be here today. The medical problems, the emotional stress, the job stress, it got to me, but once I am out with my camera and my music is on, it’s as if I can cope with everything.
I’ve had drinking problems, communication problems, social problems, but this shooting problem. It’s like the sutures for the wound. I can deal with life’s pressures and understand that things are going to be ok for me and I need to face things instead of either drinking it down, or trying to find another way to deal with it all.
I want people to understand that healing comes from within, and thats how I see it.
It’s not the first time someone told me I was changing. Or that I had ‘seemed different.’ But it’s really not something I had expected to hear from so many people.  It was easy to blame the medications I take, but truth be told, I felt as if I had no grip, and I still feel like I have no grip.
I had lost my job, my health was declining, my blood pressure is decreasing, I kept hearing problems with “how I could never change” I honestly blamed myself and continued to blame myself. It took so long for me to focus my life on God and on something I enjoyed, which is my photography to realize that, I have pushed others and encouraged others to succeed but I cannot expect the same in return. I have helped others but I cannot expect it back. When all I can offer is myself, and everything within me, nothing more, who would actually be accepting and say, I want to be supportive of the person you are and help you achieve the best person you can be.

So where does it go from here? Well. I keep shooting my Canon in the late evenings because every day there is a new image to be captured and I want it. People have their things, and this invigorating God given feeling I have ever been blessed to have, this is it. It came at just the right time.

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06/2016 | Niagara Falls, NY

 

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