Its been so long since I’ve been here, feeling full of fear and here I am. Planning a trip to Dallas, scheduling MRI’s, finding hotels, and doing it all alone, right on Christmas week. UT Southwestern has been a journey of ups and downs for me. From being the hospital with the news that said I could have lost my life to being the hospital with revolutionary technology and Doctors who push you down the hallways themselves. I love this hospital, and my admiration continues to grow as I continue to sit on the waiting list for their Epilepsy Clinic to find more answers so I can find peace for my middle ground. Which is where it all lies.
My middle ground. I have avoided it all along. I have pushed it to the side and hurt so many people along the way and refused to cope with the most important issues at hand because I refused to look and deal with what was important. The middle. I can become so focused on the lets get me healed that I will refuse to cry or let myself be weak and in turn I had a delayed reaction to everything that had happened in my life. I lost my grandfather to Cancer when I was 10 and cried for months when I was 22. 12 years later. THAT, is delayed. THATS, when I finally accepted my grandfathers passing. I was 18 when I was diagnosed with Cancer and when I was 19, showed up late to my final radiation treatment and after that I lost myself, used drugs, and drank my soul away. I look at my scar on my neck and still, wish I would have made peace with myself in that room instead of staying up and drinking with my friends to find my happiness and ease the pain of what I was trying to heal.
Now I’m almost 26 years old. I no longer find the need drink to find the happiness that I can now create on my own, I don’t even need to drink period… but I’m missing the piece of a world that I can’t go back into, and it’s a world that I have always longed for. I look back and it’s always something I do and now, I should’ve cried it out. I should’ve had that weak moment in a room full of family members. I should’ve shown how for those moment’s, yes. I was afraid, because at times. I was, and at times, I knew that yes God was going to take care of me, always, but if I felt like crying, it was healthier to cry, because look at what I’ve done. This delayed response has caused binge drinking, lying in my relationship, abuse, headaches and an incredible amount of heartaches. I long for the days where I can go back to those comfortable arms where I felt safe and secure, where I could cry and no one was else was watching but him, and I could be consoled.. but I am a single woman now who has to face the consequences of repeated actions and failures. I come home after typical work day and when I want to talk out how hard my day has been, I cant, because the man I have always done that with is no longer here. There is no longer that middle, and my day, jumps straight to my end.
I have reflected so much at how vicious this cycle can be to someone. It is so important to let yourself, be yourself. I have never felt so much growth from taking so much time to just stop and focus when there so much going on in front of me, and before if the doctor were to come in the room with a diagnoses I was already jumping ahead. Ask more questions, Breathe for a second. Call him back in the room. Collect yourself if you need to, but take the time to focus on the middle ground. Days, weeks, months went by before I truly could understand the breakdown of where I had gone wrong in my life, and where I could make my changes..
Live in your moment. Right now is important. Your actions right now will forever affect your years to come. Are you making the best ones to ensure that your happiness will ensue into the future as well?