I look up the sky and I still can’t figure out why I have not come to a breaking point yet. With all the tough feats I feel I have faced, I asked God, what else was next. Every single day, I reflect on my decisions I’ve made and consequences that I’ve dealt with. I may not want to go out and face the world with my odd happy persona but it’s what gets me through my very long day, and when I step through the door frame that I face so many times a day, I am reminded that I am far from ever being where I want in life. Every day I am still struggling to remind myself to breathe when I am flooded with millions of thoughts and memories and when I see that door frame, it leaves a chill on my elbow that make me wonder if I will ever be able to just rest.
” Everything was just going numb on my right side and my elbow touched the door frame to my bedroom… and it scared me because I thought it was my grandmother walking in to check on me or something. It felt like the door frame came out to touch me, but I actually hit it myself.. my senses on that side were reversed.. even at the hospital when they would touch me to test my function, it was as if I reached out to touch them, it was all messed up.. I knew I had to get out of the house and I had to hold my emotions together or I would end up a mess. My mom was drunk and Ricardo, was not going to make it to my house to get me to the hospital in time. Every time I see that door frame.. it reminds me of what I went through.. and it’s hard.. I started writing to show how in tough times you are to never quit, and never give up, and to always turn your tragedy into triumphant moments, but it got hard for me because the emotional disaster of it all took its toll on me and I found it tough to be strong, somewhere along the way. I ask if I lost myself. Or if I ever knew myself. Am I still finding myself, because all I and anyone has ever known since I was 18 is a chronically ill Brittany and don’t take this the wrong way but I don’t want to keep fighting for my life every year over some new diagnoses. I’ve been going going going going and damn it’s hard.. I want to be able to go that 10 years and just be healthy but with all these pills and problems I have, it’s never going to happen. That door frame every day is a blessing and a curse to me. Because it not only told me to get the hell out and to the hospital faster than what I was already thinking in my mind, but a curse in the way that life never stops. It never resets and it never pauses. It follows you out and in. There are no doors, just frames. You can shut it but life is always going to follow you. You cannot run. What happens out there comes here in my room in the form of memory and it clutters my mind along with everything else I have going on in there…. I think the next step is forgiveness because I accept the things I have done. But I just don’t know how.. I just don’t see how to go about wrapping my head around the idea of getting my life back together. I finally figured out how to not drink to find my happiness so now I have to forgive myself to be happy….? “
All the sniffly recorded talking in the world will make you think when you’re therapist says, go home and listen to what you just said with a smile after we were done. I wrote to be strong and to find my courage and somewhere along the way it managed to delve into the hole where the AVM was removed from and show me problems that I had kept stored away for years. This is the season for loving and giving, so I think it’s important to take a whole lot of love and reinvest that into myself and remind myself that I am still on a journey through life. 25 is hard, 35 is going to be tough.. or maybe it will be a breeze, God willing.
The door frame that hurt me will one day be the door frame that heals me.