The room was quiet. When a nurse leaves you with 30 minutes to stare at a calm sea-foam painted wall, alone, with nothing but your thoughts.. you get to thinking about everything that’s been going on and everything that might progress in your future. The phrase ”scrape you from the pavement” kept blaring through my mind while I stared at the wall teary eyed when my Doctor’s other nurse called me a day ago to schedule this very emergency appointment while also breaking the news, that one, I was no longer permitted to drive and two, what I had experienced for the past 6 days in the row like clockwork every night, were in fact, convulsion seizures.
Everything that I ever worried about, everything that truly made my stomach turn into knots, everything that honestly made me feel like I could possibly lose a grip on the firm reality of what I had going for me was here. My enemy had come to stare with its evil smile around the wall that I had been trying to build around me for the year and a half since my stroke, and I could see it. It was staring right at me around the brick wall when I was trying to hide from what could truly overtake me.
Here they were. Here it was. No.
The sky above me was gorgeous, the thunder barely sounding through the sky calmed my nerves while I nervously drove through traffic. Something about tonight just didn’t seem right. I felt off, the lights bothered me more than usual, I was cursing and yelling and had to focus on the road itself when it came to driving but it made me dizzy. Everything was unusual. I shouldn’t have been on the road period and I knew it the moment I backed out of my driveway. The nausea began to hit me around 8:45pm and I thought to myself, maybe I forgot to eat?.. Then I realized after my body had began to tingle, fizz and prickle all over in the small grocery store, I was definitely having an Aura typical to my Sensory Seizures .. This was nothing new to me. I was used to these sorts of attacks, but normally I have them when I am sitting down. I just held my basket and continued on with my shopping.
I paid for my treats, and noticed my walking worsen, and speech just slightly slur…
As I walked outside, the light from the thunderstorm began to intrigue me, and I smiled. I felt this calm come over me and that’s when it all hit.
910p: ”Why are we getting fog? Thereshouldn’t be fog on the roads it wasn’t muggy outside? Why is the car moving like this?……… wait.” I used the brake lights ahead of me as a guide to keep me in the lines of the road and all the while, the lights from the storm and lights from the car had triggered a seizure. I was well aware and never lost consciousness, but my body had started to lose control of itself slowly. My hands became incredibly tight and while driving, I became weightless and could no longer hold the steering wheel, I immediately pulled over on sunset in front of a home, with my blinker because if you know me, you know I’m in control, put the car in park, laid back and felt my body piece by piece lose control of itself while 100% being fully aware of what is going on.
Fear is not even a describing word I would use in my statement today.
My car felt as is if was a flying saucer, weightless and not attached to the road.
My whole body began shake as if I was freezing from the cold starting with the left arm, moving to right arm then down to my legs.
My chest squeezed in on it self as if I had asnake wrapped around me.
My neck and back stiffened up while I clenched my jaw.
I had nothing left to do but watch cars drive by, cry, and tell siri to call the one person who I know I could trust and would not lose control of the situation. Ricardo.
After about 10 minutes of sitting in that spot. My body settled down. Shocked and confused, and made sure I could feel everything before putting the car in drive and taking off. I know thats a dangerous thing to do, but I needed to get home. I had no idea what to do, except to get myself home.
I was able to focus on driving about a mile more, until the next repeat episode hit again, so again I pulled over and waited it out – after that episode hit, I rested and drove less than a half mile to home where I could barely see through the “fog” that the seizure had created. My body had exhausted itself, and after slurring to siri 40 times, Ricardo was on his way.. I could no longer move my body, I was stiff, exhausted, and I was throwing a fit out of confusion.. Looking back on that moment, it was surreal. So there I was, sitting in my driveway clenching my jaw soaked in tears and wondering why this was all happening. Why now when I wanted to work on my life and get things in order? That’s the way God plans it. He gives you everything you can take, everything you can handle to make you stronger when you want it, and that’s what I’ve learned since my 6 seizures have begun. TD Jakes said when you want to be a leader, you’re asking for trouble. You ask for more on your plate when you may not be ready, but you want to lead and succeed, so you take on this strength and it may break you but with the Lords strength, it will MAKE you. Ricardo carried me out of my car seat to my bed that night.
As I write this blog, I watch my body twitch and adjust to the medication adjustments we made today. I look back to the night I had my stroke and I still, cant get over the fact that, I wanted to go to sleep. It boggles my mind. Some people say I’m fighting an incredible battle but, this is no battle. I’m no solider in the desert watching my brothers be killed, I’m no Doctor who has to deal with losing my patients. I’m no therapist dealing with a handful of problems that I need to sort of for people on top of myself. I am me. Living my world that God gave me and I thank him for that. He blessed me and somewhere through these tangles is a gift, that is a strength that I will uncover, fully, just as HE intended.