Coldhearted.

“Last night around 9pm what exactly was going on in your room?” – nurse

“I’m not sure exactly what you mean?” – me

“We’re you feeling ok during this time?” – nurse

“I felt fine all evening” – me

“…..You showed to have had 3 seizures last night.” – Doctor

 

You gotta learn to stand tall and fall down hard in this life cause when it happens, its gonna happen and its gonna hurt. It’s going to hurt and bad doesn’t even begin to justify the pain you’re going to feel.

“..don’t think I won’t fucking break that jaw talking shit..”  I really couldn’t believe what was going on, laying in a hospital bed wasn’t the ideal location for the situation at hand but here we were, hashing it out and there I was, taking bullets for a person who I had considered a friend for the past 2 years of my life. When she walked in the room, I happily greeted her as if we hadn’t been arguing, that’s how my hospital stay had been. That’s how my condition was. I didn’t really know what was going on.
Two hours, before that, I had received a heavy dose of the first start of the worst seizure medication that would begin to fuck my entire world up. I looked at my Dad and I didn’t realize I had told him I loved him, I didn’t realize that I was beginning to open up to him as his daughter instead of the rock that I had raised myself to be. I laughed, I smiled, I joked around… I grinned from ear to ear when they would race on BBC Top Gear.. I was so happy with my heart on display for everyone to see. I was myself and that was scary to me. I tend to hide that from my family because I like to be strong for them. I don’t like to show my emotions or express how I feel because in the end I don’t want them to worry about how I’m feeling, I don’t want them to worry and see that I’m emotionally and physcially  exhausted from everything that I am going through with the hospital and break up with Ricardo… but I’m there, and they see that everyday. The medication was making me open up as a human with a soul instead of holding emotions in, and honestly it was frightening me. As a person who is used to being so strong on her own, I couldn’t wrap my head around why I was so happy to be so happy. I was full of emotion and love. I guess you could say it opened up the flood gates of things that needed to happen two years ago, or two years too late.

In my world this is what happens. In my world I get to tell my side of the story. In my world I get to tell how one person I called a friend concocted many lies about many people out of their own amusement, and left me and all of it on my silver plate in a hospital bed to deal with it, but that’s how it works in my world. About an hour had passed, and many things had been said and admitted and she and her husband had decided to leave my hospital room and head to the persons home who had started all the lies about her. We never actually physically fought, and I can tell you right now it wouldn’t have ended up nice if I would have attempted it. I tried moving to the chair to clear my head and almost collapsed when I stood. I sat there and I began to feel like an incredibly shitty person, just thinking about the situation that she was in, someone saying she had seen proof that she was cheating on their husband has got to be the worse feeling in the world. Especially when is simply a lie. I sat there and felt like I was just as guilty as the person who had even decided to create such a lie. I really had to dig deep to realize that women don’t always choose the best times to deal with things, so I was never upset with how everything was handled, I was more enlightened because I got my chance to tell my side of the story even though I can’t even remember what was said except for a line here and there, but I was hurt by the action of showing up to get answers when I couldn’t even stand on my own. I couldn’t believe a friend of mine threw me under the bus instead of coming out and apologizing to her and saying hey, I fucked up, don’t take it out on my sick ‘friend’.. But you live and you learn. I’m too old for the sick card. It’s a mistake you have got to never make so if you ever get involved with something like that, you order a rocks honey whiskey and sit down like an adult and spit it out like an man. Don’t ever hold information like that in, and if people want to throw you out of their life then you suck it up and order another drink and move on from it. We got many more miles of life to go, whether its 3 years or 30 years, that’s many more people to meet, good and bad. Learn from them. They are all lessons.  

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