God, help her.

 “Alright Brittany hold on tight, here we go.”

We rushed down the ER hallways of the hospital with the nurse shouting “LEVEL 1 STROKE” and immediately my head began to spin. Here we were, January 23rd, 2015, not even 3 days after my anniversary of my stroke last year, back in the hospital, and all of the nurses assigned to the wing I was headed to had jumped up and headed behind me into the room I was being wheeled into.

8B. B for Brittany,.. or more like, B for bullshit.

6 days of a paralyzed right leg, tingling torso, and weak right arm, 2 EEG’s and the start of a new medicine, Topamax, I received my 2 new answers..

Todd’s Paralysis & Epilepsy. In the simplest way that I can explain it, Todd’s Paralysis is when my body will become either partially or completely paralyzed on my right side after I suffer a PostIctal Seizure, rest is the only way to recover. There is no cure.

My neurologist walked out of the room and with a heavy head, I sat up and tried to process everything that had just happened to me in the past 7 years, starting with my Cancer diagnoses.

God it’s been hard to do this. Reflection is a really tough thing for me to do and not be upset about it. My grandma has been without her husband since I was about 10. He died of Pancreatic Cancer. Thats 15 years ago. She cries every single day. The closest thing she had to him since he’s been gone was Ricardo’s work clothing and when Rick and I broke up around New Years, she had to learn how to get over how to stop washing and ironing mens work clothing again, even though he would bring those over because I begged him to. My mother and her boyfriend stopped seeing each other and every other day I hear about how women do not need men to do things in their lives.. and what do you know. Our yard is flawless. Our trees are trimmed. Our backyard is tidy, shes spring cleaning and so productive.

I’m living with three generations of heartbroken women, and we don’t talk about it.

I wanted to walk up to my mom and tell her that she was my hero when she was holding that chainsaw in her hand and wiping the sweat off her forehead with her left. I see where I get my strength from, when my 90 year old grandma was shuffling across her yard and lifting her trashcan to move it to the front porch and gather branches so she could clean up her yard. It was one of the best lunch breaks I had ever had. Just being outside and witnessing all of this.. I wish you couldv’e seen it with me.

I wish you could have felt the strength that it gave me after all the defeat that my heart has been put through. I wish you would know how I put my shoes on in the morning. I wish you knew how I am able to keep them on for more than a mile, I’m not even sure most people could last a mile or even a day, or would even want to try, but people are more than ready judge the hell out of me like I’m Whitney Houston. There are no breaks in my world. Sometimes I want to know why, others days, I’m ready to take it head on like the Taurus that I am. Somedays I want to walk out of work and sell my car and crawl into a hole. Other days, I want to continue working my way up the chain and stare out the window of my beautiful condo, reminding myself that I made it. One day Ill make it. Days like this remind me that one day Ill make it. GOD puts us through hell like this, breaks us like this to make sure that we make it. We get squashed, stepped on, shit on, eaten, spit on, pee’d on, beaten on, yelled at, slapped, and buried alive, but if we can make it out alive, and somehow learn to stand up, and get out heads back on right… if we can learn how to stand up and take more of those punches and not lose complete consciousness, then that’s when we start conditioning for our true success.I’m going to learn how to walk without that damn limp that hasnt left my leg since I left the hospital. I’m going to learn how to get used to sleeping with the constant tingling that I feel from the medication that I now feel from the medication I take. I will now become a better person and I will learn how to work around how this medicine makes me feel so that I can have that great career path that I am working toward without losing track…

God I’m so ready for it. I’m halfway there. I feel it this time.


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