I shouldn’t be ashamed of the feelings I feel and the way my blog entries are a release of emotion I hold in on a daily basis.
It was what Ricardo was summing up for me in an hour long discussion we had at 12am on a Tuesday night. I was dying to go to sleep, I had to be at work in less than 7 hours. I was tired, and I’m still exhausted, but that night made me realize.. Everything had fell down around me. My mood. My hope. My well-being. Everything.
My feelings of accomplishment and hope for my physical and mental future had faded. Here I was, realizing that I had never really pulled myself out of the slump that I promised I would have changed on NYE. I knew it wasn’t good for me to look back on the year that I had gone through, it wasn’t healthy and it wasn’t helping my healing process.. but I did. All I could think about was the friends lost. The life lost, and my new life, alone, in my room, writing these blogs whenever I muster up the energy to pull myself from my bed to my computer chair.
10 months and nine days post stroke and here I am, wondering who I really am and what my purpose is in life all over again.
It was my 2014 New Years Resolution to get to know myself all over again. I had given so much of the previous two years of my life to the car scene and making sure I was doing my part to grow what little import scene our town had at the time that I forgot who I personally was along the way. The decision to leave the scene and focus on growing as a young adult was incredibly hard for me, and when I left, I realized, that I had no idea who I was and what my real goals were in life. I didn’t know what I did and did not like, I didn’t know where I wanted to end up as an adult and I didn’t even really know who my friends were. It was hard. When December 2013 came around, I knew that I couldn’t hold on to the mixed emotions I had about myself any longer, so when New Years Eve hit.. the blank slate was created for me to take the lessons I had learned and to take my drink and cheers to surviving it all.
I felt like I fool for lying there that night and explaining how In my mind, I sometimes believe I died.
“How do I know that I didn’t die? How do I know that what this is isn’t a dream to me? What if you are just my projection, and my life is a complete dream because I’m actually dead but I don’t know it..”
“Baby, you’re alive. You’re here with me right now.”
We layed in bed together, his arms around me while he emotionally explained how sometimes, he goes back to that night and wonders what he would have done if he would have lost me that night. Metaphorically, I don’t feel like I survived everything leading up to the night of the stroke, and although my spirits are high about achieving great things, I don’t even know where to start. I changed jobs and now work for Wells Fargo and I’m not even sure if I am actually enjoying the atmosphere anymore. I’m watching more etiquette videos because I feel like maybe I am being rude and no one is telling me, I’m spending less time on social media, why even get on when all I see is life going on around me?
I’m now spending all of my me time at home or sitting alone at a bar top, silently contemplating whether this city is right for me. Wondering if I belong where I am. Where do I fit in?
Do I even fit in?
I’m slowly killing myself from over thinking all the loneliness I possess in my life.
My name is Brittany and… that’s all I really know right now.
to be continued.