Just a human.

I had to get up and get dressed for a doctors appointment in the afternoon. While getting dressed, I thought for hours about how life continues to throw obstacles in my way. Sometimes I am able to handle them with such ease, other times, I overreact, and end up letting my anger take control of who I am, and hurting the one person that I love with everything inside of me.

Father, forgive them; for they know not what they do. Luke 23:34

I looked down at my phone, hoping for some kind of sign that we were going to be able to get through yet another fight. That somehow, he would be able to forgive me for saying, out of complete anger, that I did not want to be with him anymore. That somehow the time I spent making him laugh and smile would be able to help him understand, that I never meant what I said, and that I was so sorry for all of it..

He reassured me that a relationship between him and I was out of the question, for good.

Every other fight we have had, had been much worse than this. Sometimes we wouldn’t speak to each other for days, just because we were both angry, and we didn’t have the right words to say to each other. It would kill us both. We would find out from each other how much we just wanted to pick up the phone and tell each other that we loved them, but our pride.. our pride would stop us from being able to look past who was going to ‘win this argument’. Our pride didn’t let us see that we were both being absolutely crazy for ever wasting time arguing with one another.

Pride.

We fought so much that I had to learn to become humble. I couldn’t even think about losing him to an argument, I wouldn’t let something completely in my control, be the reason that I let Ricardo walk out of my life.. but the time of the argument, I let my pride get in the way.. and without even thinking twice, I sent the message that said I wanted out of the relationship, absolutely knowing with all of my heart and mind, that it was 1,000,000,000% an absolute lie. 
 

Father, forgive them; for they know not what they do. Luke 23:34

I walked into the doctors office and handed the receptionist my stickers to sign in. My eyes were red and puffy, I was reading through our conversations since the breakup when the nurse called me back into the room, keeping me from tearing up in the lobby. I have never known this weak person inside of me. I have never been in a situation where I am not able to control my emotions in public, and ever since our argument, I’ve felt so out of control. I feel like I am missing the person who makes me complete.

“It sounds like you’re experiencing seizures in a different form. You’ll need to speak with your neurologists about getting on some kind of medication to help control it, but in the meantime, consuming alcohol isn’t something I recommend you do..”

Seizures. I was blaming the neuropathy when I begin to feel weak on my right side and my limbs start to lose their muscle tone and fall asleep.. when in fact, they could be seizures.

“Will I get to that point of full blown epilepsy?” I asked.
“You’ll need to discuss that with your neurologists, they will have better answers for you.”

It was Ricardo’s birthday the day before and I had set up a dinner with close friends at a restaurant. When the plates had been taken out of the way, my leg dropped and began to tingle, to the point of it causing pain. I began to rub my leg to make sure I wasn’t losing feeling, because everyday, I wake up with that fear that the next time my leg falls asleep, it could be a stroke. 
I propped my heavy leg up on the chair and asked Ricardo to rub it for me, because I would be able to tell loss of sensation more from him than me. My leg began to wake up. After 15 minutes, the ordeal was over, and we were ready to leave, and head home. 

My leg and hip especially were killing me today. We discussed pain and what my options were, but that the most important part was rest, and that I needed to stop driving.

I got into my car, turned it on, and thought how I’m back to that loss of control in my life. Every single month, something happens and now it’s seizures? Again? If I hadn’t had been an idiot, I would still have the man of my dreams around so I could set my head on his shoulder while I regain my own strength,  but i’ve ruined that. I sat in the car, and waited until I could pull myself together enough to drive home.

I couldn’t. The tears fell like rain.

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