The Cycle


I wake up Monday through Friday at 5AM with my iPhone, my earbuds and my thoughts..

I thought waking up that early would be a hard thing to do since I usually fall asleep around 11 or 12, but it’s the thoughts that move me and push me to actually get out of the bed and start to move. Be mobile, go out there and walk, run, climb stairs, lift weights and do all the yoga you want to.. because I couldn’t 6 months ago.. but I can now. I couldn’t even do half of what I can do today 3 months ago. I think about all the people that have had strokes and how some of them aren’t physically strong enough to get through their day, and I think about all the bs that this new medical school is putting me through and I wonder if it’s just normal for them to treat me like a new patient every single time I try to speak with someone…

All of those thoughts, get up with me and we head straight to the gym for a 2 hour workout.

I got a call 2 weeks ago to prepare for surgery on the 21&22nd of this August. Shocked, no. Unprepared, yes. Things happen so fast and it’s hard to feel safe and in total when you’re plans and dates change and suddenly you’re driving 4 hours away to see doctors that you hardly speak to. I talked to my neurosurgeons here in town at least 1 a week and the nurse even called me back with an answer if she didn’t have one for me. Now that I belong to UT Southwestern, I hardly speak to anyone at all. Not even the nurses will call back with solid answers like they did here in town. I know it’s a huge hospital and people are constantly busy there. They probably see many more patients a day than the doctors here but come on…. patient relationships should be the number 1 thing you focus on so that you don’t lose a patient to something so preventable. You became a doctor to treat people for something that you are passionate about(I hope), why are you throwing your cases to the side? Why aren’t you taking a closer look at your nursing team and figuring out why I never get a happy voice/attitude on the other end and why I never get reached out to? Why is every single person on the phone telling me something different every time I speak with them?

Dealing with bigger hospitals is something I’m getting tired of and I’ve only had 1 visit so far with my new doctor. I also feel like maybe I need to get that second and third opinion just to meet other doctors and their staff.. ask how often they will be in touch with me, ask how often their nurses will be just as informed as the doctors are in case I have questions. I shouldn’t have to jump through hoops to get a call back a week later with very little information. This is my brain we are talking about.. This is not some small matter. This isn’t a “take the prescription and call us in a month if things don’t change deal”.. this is life.

I feel a little better about things when I leave the gym. I feel like I did what I was supposed to do in terms of strengthening both mind and body, but I always leave with a little bit of that anger when it comes to the situation at hand. I thought I belonged there, and I was confident about the whole hospital and team.. but now I’m not sure,.. ..and when I wake up tomorrow the same cycle of thoughts will start all over again.




One thought on “The Cycle

  1. It’s so hard when you feel like at the end of the day you were just a number with dollar signs. That’s usually how I feel about local doctors. They give you just enough information to shut you up and then the bill comes. My problem has always been being able to ask the RIGHT questions and enough of the right questions. Sometime, I think, I refrain because I’m terrified that the doctor is too dumb to answer them & then what. But I’m only hurting myself by acting like the lesser of the two, or blissfully unaware. I honestly think that’s why so many don’t make it out of Shannon. Sometimes you have to be your own doctor/investigator to find the right answers & you have to constantly proactive about it.

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