I was laying down with Ricardo, staring at the clothing hanging in my closet when I realized that while I have improved so much, I still have that loss of feeling that is strongest in my right leg. It was Saturday evening.. We had just come home from a lovely dinner when Ricardo had asked if I still wanted to spend our night together at our favorite wine bar, The Black Swan. Of course I wanted to go, but I needed to find something to wear first. I stared at my long dresses and thought back to what happened the other night..
We were in the shoe department of Dillard’s when I decided to try on some heels. Not even heels, small wedges. My jaw dropped at every high heel I saw, Vince Camuto booties, Jessica Simpson platform heels, Gianni Bini strappy sandals, Steve Madden high heels, what had I been missing?! Heels. That’s what. It’s been 5 months since my stroke and I still couldn’t wear them. I picked out a few wedge heels. A Jessica Simpson pair made out of cork that were so soft but hugged my heel so I couldn’t tell where my heel or foot was on the shoe. A leather wood heeled pair of Steve Madden booties that were so heavy I couldn’t walk correctly in them. The last set was a strappy pair of black BCBG’s that my feet looked huge in. Didn’t matter if I could walk in them or not they were awful. Discouraged, I left the store with 2 pairs of sandals. One embellished, and the other with a golden bow. No heels in hand on this trip..
I came to and looked at the clock, I had been staring at my clothing for 45 minutes already. I glanced at Ricardo laying next to me with his eyes closed and his arm around my waist, I remember that same look of relaxation he had when I woke up that morning after surgery and no one wanted to wake him.
5 months. I can walk normally but don’t let it fool you, I still can’t feel my ankle or heel. My leg constantly has that tingling sensation you feel when your leg begins to fall asleep. Ricardo can’t tickle me on my right side without it hurting me. My speech has improved but I still trip over my words and its worse when I am under pressure. I want the car, they give me the steering wheel instead.
An hour passed by, and we ended up staying home that night.
It’s not just about the shoes, it’s about the little piece of freedom that you lose when something happens. It’s about the choice that you want to make but your body is telling you no. It’s that dress in the mall that you saw but it wasn’t in your size. It’s your favorite dish at a restaurant and they’re all out of it. It’s your favorite bar but you can’t get a drink when you want because it’s packed. It’s a decision that you’ve already made but there’s that major piece that’s preventing you from being able to do what you want, or get what you want. Life, man. You keep picking yourself back up but it throws another banana under your foot.