Memories

Being sent to medical professionals in larger cities has always ended with more bad news in my family. It was confusing to me, because I didn’t feel sick, I had CT’s that were ok, but I experience the most odd symptoms that doctors say are abnormal. I don’t know where this road is going to lead me down, but I spent some time thinking about it in the car, and it was hard to process the whole idea, especially since I didn’t know if it was a good or bad thing. I didn’t wait to see my parents to explain everything, I couldn’t, so I decided to get on the phone and call them in the parking lot. The fear of what it could all mean vibrated through my iphone.. their confusion and thankfulness made me feel like I needed to again become the rock that people leaned on. I’m sure they wondered why all this was happening at once.. and I was thinking about that too.

I spent the evening at home with happy tears in my eyes. It was bittersweet, but I kept thinking of my grandfather, who died from pancreatic cancer when I was only 10 years old. ..I was so young at the time of his death, and I had never lost anyone in my family before, so I never understood why he was sick or why he lived in the hospital. 8 years later, it hit me like the aftershock of an explosion. I remember falling to my knees and crying for hours… I thought back to that day while laying in bed, staring at the ceiling. I laughed out loud, and said, “Grandpa I know you want me to go to Heaven with you already, but you have to stop convincing God to give me these illnesses, I keep fighting through them and I can’t die yet anyways.” What was the big deal? I wanted to know if there was a reason for all of this. Was I supposed to die? All I remember on the day this all happened was wanting to come home and go straight to sleep, but I stayed awake instead. The surgeon told Ricardo that if I had gone to bed I would have died.. would I have died if I waited another couple months to go to the hospital for my enlarged thyroid too?

I went to bed with a big smile and thought about how none of it mattered. I was meant to live, and if God wanted to take me on any of those days, HE would have.

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