I’m going to say it. With love or not. 

You’ve waited all week to watch a new horror film but you know its going to end up the same way that all of them do. You’re another person in the theatre with your popcorn and everyone freezes in suspense as they watch a girl on screen, stay in the same spot, until the her killer comes in and sheds blood all over the screen. Everyone said she should have ran, why didn’t she help herself. Why don’t they help themselves.. What makes you want to sit in fear instead of fighting for the life you say you want to live. You sit in fear. And when you sit in fear, you die.

I got a phone call from a friend and what they said shocked me. A mutual friend tried to commit suicide and was now hospitalized. I took a minute to collect my thoughts and for a second, I felt like crying, for a split second I felt like this person should be held, but I was stopped. I thought about the constant love and support they receive. This well known person, has received so much support and help from the community, friends, family, strangers.. my heartfelt emotions turned into anger. Heres why.

I’m the one walking through the mall shopping alone with my cane, when this same “feel sorry for me” person was having dinner multiple times with tables reserved for 15. We’re going to dub this person “BX.” BX had a good life. BX liked to party, and BX knew how to live. He wore a constant smile, then an accident happened that would temporarily change the way he would have to live. Bx now had to walk with assistance. For months we saw how bx took to the internet to thank everyone, all 200+ likes bx received were all friends and family of his, supporters, always cheering and always ready to get up and go over to his side if he wanted some company. Bx had it good. Better than I have and better than the inpatients in the chemo level who sit alone day after day, wondering where their support is. Some people need it, and I learned that although bx liked to convey that he was strong, he wasn’t. He was far from it. New day, new woman, different day, different restaurant, bars, strip clubs at night, bbq’s and parties filled the week like his life before his life event had never stopped. And all of the sudden Bx wanted to be dead? No. All Bx wanted was more attention because he needed help healing a hurt past.

I sat staring at the wall. I had a really bad attitude because of my new anti-seizure Keppra, and went off. I never had the life bx had and I used to always want it. Who doesn’t want loads of friends by your side? But it wasn’t going to stop me from coming back even stronger than I was before. You don’t need people to get you through the day. You can have people in the rehab telling you to push and do another rep but if YOU don’t know how to push yourself then you wont heal. Friends are great and they help you to get through things but the person getting through it all is YOURSELF.
Ricardo stopped to tell me that I am so different from the average person and that my strong personality made me tough and all I said was, “BULLSHIT.”

I am a girl who constantly has a new diagnoses under my belt, and if I can fucking wake up with no tears, go to work, live a good life, drive my car when I want to, and yell at people for trying to help me when I don’t want it, then so can the rest of us. I’m a baby and I get sad sometimes too when no one answers my texts but guess what, I’m alive and breathing right now. Stop feeling sorry for yourself. News flash Bx and the rest of you guys who have cried for years, I ALMOST DIED TOO. I’m numb on my right side. My leg hurts still from time to time, I can’t feel my torso, I have to tell my own husband to not hold me on the right side of my body because it is uncomfortable and when Ricardo slaps the right side of my ass, I can’t feel it, you can take a pencil to the center of my vagina, and when Ricardo touches the right side, I CAN’T FEEL IT EITHER.
Am I crying or trying to kill myself because my body and walking is fucked up right now? NO. Am I questioning my life because I am alone and don’t have too many people to talk to? FUCK NO. Am I going to let you open the door for me when its freezing and I can’t bend my knee due to the cold? HELL NO. Am I going to kill myself because my new medicine is DRIVING ME UP THE FUCKING WALL? HELL FUCKING NO. YOU KNOW WHY? BECAUSE I’VE GOT ON MY BIG GIRL PANTS AND I’VE GOT SHIT TO DO TODAY AND TOMORROW AND FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE AND I WILL NOT STOP FOR ONE SECOND TO HUG YOU AND FEEL SORRY FOR YOU UNLESS YOU ARE THE GIRL HIDING IN THE CORNER OF THE DARK ROOM, WAITING FOR HER KILLER TO COME IN AND ASSASINATE THE FUCK OUT OF HER.




3 thoughts on “FED UP.

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