Anger

My grandma started crying when I stepped inside the living room. She said she had prayed non-stop for God to give me the strength to walk through the front door of her home. 10 days felt like an eternity. It felt so nice to be back with her, my cat, and my comfortable bed. It felt great to be out of the hospital and finally have the freedom to move without having to call the nurse for permission. There were evenings in the hospital when I sat and struggled to look out of my small window, just to glance at all the colors in the sky before sunset. Now I was free. So I took deep breaths of the cool fresh air, I welcomed the warm sun on my skin and stared up at the sky while I noticed that for so long, my life was constantly moving so fast and all I did was try to keep up with it, without even stopping to realize the world around me. I now understood why my grandma takes the time to sit and look out her living room picture window every day.

Friends stayed in constant contact with me while Ricardo was away during the entire length of my hospital stay. Visitations where I was later scolded by nurses for laughing so loudly in the wing.. Simple good mornings texts to long conversations that continued into the early morning.. there was always someone there, eager to communicate. I always apologized for my slow text responses, my hand eye coordination was horrible and it was hard to hit the letters and characters I was meaning to hit. It frustrated me to have to go back and correct what I had typed, just so I could make sense to the person reading on the other end, but I didn’t want to sound like I was losing it, so I always corrected before struggling to press the send button. I was back home and ready to text away while connected to my charger, but I was going to find out that things weren’t going to work that way anymore.

I Thank God I lived. I Thank God people prayed for me. I Thank God people took time out of their lives to lend support to me. I Thank God people thought of me.. I Thank God for it all. God is constantly teaching me lessons and it was now time for him to take me down another road to teach me another one. What happens after you smile and walk away, bombs exploding behind you, from a life threatening situation.

I’m not a fairy-tale article on your local news. I’m not your teary eye’d lets-raise-money-for-this-soul girl. I am not spread through the internet like wildfire. I’m just not. Medically and truthfully, I am the girl that has insurance, has a job, and has an amazing doctor and surgical team that did everything they could to remove everything that they could, for me to be ok and healthy.  I wondered where the other people like myself were. I wondered how they felt when they came home and immediately lost the chunk of people who cheered them on daily.  I wondered what they felt like, and what I could do to help.. or what I could do to help myself.. because my phone never rang anymore, I never woke up to a motivating message, and I no longer received those funny texts from the people who jumped back into my life to help. My phone became the mirror that showed me what I would be missing out on, and who would never have contact with me again. I wondered how I went from living, to existing.

I don’t have the ability to directly tell someone the absolute truth of how I feel. I can’t put all of my emotions into a sentence that you will understand.. and sometimes it backfires. Ricardo wanted to know why other peoples short hello’s meant so much to me and while I struggled to try and make sense of the meaning of a friends support, I also wondered why this was even an argument between us in the first place.

I blamed myself. I asked God why I had to be the person he chose to live with chronic illnesses. I wanted to know what made me turn into the person that hardly anyone wants to be around. I wanted to know why it was so coincidental that I always lost contact with people after I made a full recovery. I wanted to know what insults were going to come flying out of hateful mouths when they found out how I felt.

I fell asleep with my hair and pillow soaked in tears.

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