The Days Ahead.

“Wall-E” would have back pain and he, like others, would just shrug it off because it had been a long day at work, he was tired, he wanted a beer, and he just wanted to relax.. besides, the pain went away when he would finally the relaxing time to himself. Problem solved… until he told “Eva.” Eva told him he needed to google his symptoms to make sure he wasn’t sicker than he thought. So he does it… and the first thing that pops up is something he had to say really slow to pronouce. Schwannoma Neurofibrosarcoma. Spine Tumor. with a 50/50 chance of surviving surgery. Wall-e makes an appointment with his PPO and for 3 weeks he lived in complete fear while the thoughts of having a tumor ran through his mind. Xrays were conducted and 6 stressful weeks later, Wall-E found out he was perfectly healthy and he was then instructed to ice his back when he had pain. He lived happily ever after!

I was listening to the ticking clock, trying to get my leg to move, and I thought often about how I always had the clear symptoms of AVM, but they are so common with having stress or over working your body so, it was always no big deal. I always saw that these were warning signs for everything from migraines, to cancer.. but so many people freak out over internet diagnoses’s that it makes it silly to take anything from the web to heart, even if it is on point of whats going on. I heard a constant bruit.. a whooshing noise in the head.. and thats what I thought happened when you had a rush of blood to the head, which was normal to me. The headaches? No big deal, I took advil, which I found of later is a blood thinner and that’s not good for you to take regularly..  twice a day for that and joint pain, also normal to me. These are also things that happen normally with anyone who could be under stress, which is again, also very normal to me.

I got really tired of sitting there in the quiet, so I put my ear buds in and started listening to all the music on my iPhone. I love all sorts of genres, from EDM to 70s Funk. I played everything from Coldplay, Soul4Real, Minus The Bear, Gotan Project, Madeon, TONS of Majestic Casual, and Wale just to name a few. I remember listening to each song and just being so thankful that my hearing hadn’t been taken away from me because I LOVE music. Then I felt upset because I never took advantage of life like I should have. I love to dance, and now I could barely move my right side. Ricardo was always telling me how he wanted to take me dancing and now my right torso was so numb that I didn’t even recognize it as my own body part when I would touch it myself.

I decided right then and there that the blood in my head wasn’t going to control me. It was time to take everything back into my control, stop being upset and start moving the fuck forward already. 

Life is unexpected. Earlier today I took a break from writing to go to Home Depot with Ricardo. We’re not even in the aisle that we need to be in before my knee starts to give out, several times. Ricardo looks around for a power tool and my knees start to vibrate with pain. I needed to sit, and thats not typical for me. I was so used to my active lifestyle and now, I needed to sit.. It shouldn’t take a hospitalization or illness of any kind for anyone to realize that they should make the most of things, and thats why I’m here. To drill that into your head so that you will spend that extra time and make those memories while you are physically able,. 

Friends would stop in my room from time to time and it made all the stress so much easier to dissipate. Explaining everything to a loved one can make some people upset because its constantly reminding them of where they are and what is happening to them.. but for me, it was relieving. Every time I told someone details, I felt like more and more was being lifted off of my chest. Nurses in all units told me how amazed they were at my strength and positive attitude. I felt like I was back to my normal self with my smile planted on me. I could breathe easier when I would explain to nervous looking people that I was ok, and that I was going to be ok. Saying it over and over subconsciously assured me, and I was ready to dive in head first to what I was preparing to face next. Brain Surgery.

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2 thoughts on “The Days Ahead.

  1. I have been reading with great interest and anticipation of your story. I’m not done yet. I wish the best for you and just wanted to let you know before I get back to reading. AVMs aren’t fun. Take care.

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